Sunday, October 14, 2012

Some Thoughts

I am so thankful for the kind comments on my last post.  It is nice to know that I have the support of so many people, but I hate to think of others having to go through this as well. 
I thought maybe I should clarify some things.  I mentioned in the last post, that Mike and I had been doing treatments for the last couple of years.  We have been trying to get pregnant though, for almost 10 years.  I also mentioned that I am happy when people get pregnant.  When it comes to family and friends, I usually am happy.  This has not always been the case though.  I know family members have seen me have breakdowns when I hear that others are pregnant.  One time I went to a baby shower, and cried the entire hour and a half drive home.  I think I'm just getting better at accepting that people will have babies, even if I can't.  The human race can't stop, just because I can't have children.  
I still get hurt when some people announce pregnancies, but only if the pregnant person is mad about being pregnant, or if they get pregnant from clearly wrong choices.  It's hard not to think that I should be rewarded for doing what's right, and not them for doing what's wrong.
I have to say too, that I have been very blessed to have the friends and family that I have.  When my youngest nephew was born, my brother was sick, and I got to stay over night in the hospital with my sister and my nephew.  I got to experience the lack of sleep, and the middle of the night diaper changes.  I got to spend the night at another sister's house the first few days of another nephew's life.  I was there as they adjusted to parenthood, and I was able to help a little.  I was in the hospital when a friend of mine gave birth, and although I was feeling very sick from cramps, I got to witness that amazing event.  I went to an ultrasound appointment with my sister, and got to see one of my beautiful nieces just days before she was born.  I keep thinking to myself, that if I never get to experience pregnancy myself, at least I have been able to experience these moments.  I am thankful for friends and family that let me hold and babysit their babies.  I'm thankful that they include me in their lives.  I feel a special bond with my nieces and nephews.  It melts my heart when they tell me that they love me, or give me hugs and kisses, and it gives me a glimpse into motherhood.
One last thought before I go.  I felt a lot of hope from listening to conference, and I think that is what I will blog about next. (I need to listen to it again though, because I played with my nieces during most of it.)  I did get a strong feeling though, that with all the healing I am doing for my body, that I need to heal my soul.  I need to become closer to Heavenly Father, and have a stronger desire to follow His will.     


jeanine said...

Whenever I see the pictures you post I think "what a great aunt Dejah is!" And you crossed my mind a few times during conference. I'm excited to see what your thoughts were!

Breana and Jordan Holmes said...

23they are all such lucky kids to have you as an aunt. they couldn't be more loved!

Sheryl said...

You are amazing, and I know that you are appreciated so much for being the loving aunt and sister you are! I know your sisters especially are recipients of your unconditional love of their babies, and I know Breana and our girls just couldn't make it with out you! Our prayes continue that you and Mike will have this opportunity soon. You will be parents extraordinaire!! Love you!

Breana and Jordan Holmes said...

It's true! We couldn't. Not just helping me with my kids, but through out my whole life!

Brian and Lisa said...

I know this comment is really late- I haven't blogged or read anyone's blog since probably last summer!
You are such a great Aunt. Your nieces and nephews are so lucky for all that you do for them and we are so lucky for all the times that you have helped us out and for the love you show our kids. As your older sister, it's been hard to see you go through this and to not be able "fix" it for you. It's something I have wanted for you and Mike. You both will be such great parents. I love you.