Thursday, October 4, 2012

Venting

I cannot believe it's been almost a year since my last post!  I started feeling like all I was posting about was what was going on in the lives of those around me.  And while things have been going on in our life, it wasn't anything that I wanted to blog about.  Don't feel obligated to read all of this.  Really, it is a lot of venting and complaining, because I have been hurt emotionally, and I haven't learned how to recover from it. 
So, I have been thinking for awhile that I should post about infertility more.  After all, it is pretty much what occupies my thoughts all day.
I kept hoping that I would be able to write a post soon, that said "here's all the things we've had to do, but it was worth it, because we're pregnant now!'  Unfortunately, that's still not the case.  So, bear with me, this post will be long, and probably not cohesive.  I just feel the need to get all of these thoughts down.
Mike and I have been actively doing infertility treatments for 2 years now.  In that time, we have done 3 IUI's, and 1 IVF.  I have been on numerous medications, had 1 tiny surgery, tons of ultrasounds, doctor's visits, blood tests, and no pregnancies.  
Almost a year ago, we started preparing for our IVF.  On paper, I looked like a perfect candidate.  I took lots of medications, which included a daily shot in my stomach.  I hate needles, but eventually I looked forward to doing the shot each day.  It was exciting.  We were on the path to having a baby, and we were going to do whatever was necessary.  Our egg retrieval went perfect, I think we had something like 22 eggs, 17 fertilized 13 or so made it.  I don't know why I didn't record all the numbers.  We implanted 2 perfect embryos, and froze 7 I think.
I felt 100% sure that I was going to have a baby from this.  I pictured myself having twins.  Everything was going right, and I had such a strong feeling it was all going to work.
Well, it didn't.  It still breaks my heart thinking about it.  IVF is very expensive, and our insurance doesn't pay for it.  We took out a loan to pay for it, and we will be paying that off for a long time.  That's one thing that really hurts from this.  We pay more than our car payment every month, to pay for a procedure that didn't even work.
After this, we did a biopsy on my uterus, to see if there was anything they could find.  They did find something, which indicated I could have endometriosis.  So, the next step was a laparoscopy, to make sure.  Thankfully insurance did cover that!  My doctor discovered that I did have a small amount of endometriosis, and thought that we should do 3 months of a drug called Leupron, 1 injection a month for 3 months, and then we could try a frozen embryo transfer.  FET.
Well, of course we had problems with this too.  I got my first shot, but didn't get the next one in time, so then I got a 3 month dosage all in 1 shot.  That happened last month, and nothing will happen till January.  In the meantime, I am trying acupuncture.  I go in once a week for that.  I drink some disgusting tea every day.  I have cut out sweets, dairy, any drinks that aren't room temperature, and certain other foods.  I hate doing all of these things, and I don't completely feel that any of this will work.  I don't think I could be more sure than I was last year, and that was a failure.   
I'm sorry that this has been a big pity party!  I'm not going to lie, I feel sorry for myself a lot.  I don't understand why Mike and I have had to go through this.     
A couple of weeks ago, as I got ready for church, I was watching Emma Smith: My Story.  I had forgotten just how hard having children was for her and Joseph.  They lost so many children as infants.  Then I started thinking, that I'm not any better than them.  I go through phases of anger, hurt, sadness, etc...but why shouldn't I have these trials?  I think if I could understand the why, and know that it is going to happen for us someday, I would be ok.
I never want anyone to think I'm not happy when they get pregnant.  I'm happy for all of my friends and family when they have children, I just want to be having them too.  I know I need to let go of the jealousy, but I still have so much to work through.  There's so much more I could say, but this is too long already, so don't be surprised if I pop up with a depressing thought every once in a while.  Until then, I will try to post more of the positive things that have happened in our lives.  

7 comments:

Breana and Jordan Holmes said...

First, I am glad that you finally let people know how you feel. You are completely justified to have all the feelings you do and you hold things in way too much. People don't understand how hard and hurtful it is. I am not saying that I do either, but you're my sister and my best friend so I like to think I understand a little bit. Maybe I don't. Secondly, you amaze me. You have so much faith, even if you don't feel like you do, you keep trying and I know you do. I HATE that you and Mike have had to endure this trial for so long. I don't know why such a righteous desire is so difficult to obtain. But I do know that although we may not understand the "why"s in this life, our trials are essential for our personal salvation. You guys will be blessed immensely. I have never seen two people who are more deserving to be parents, or more loving and ready. Please don't ever feel bad for feeling sad or hurt and don't ever feel like you can't express these things. I love you! (sorry this is super long)

Leanna said...

Dejah...my heart aches for you and honestly tears come to my eyes as I think of what you are feeling. It is so hard what you are going through. I am sorry that you are suffering so. My heart breaks every month when I am not pregnant and it has put me through emotions that aren't healthy too. It occupies my thoughts as well. When I try to suppress them and not share how I feel about not being able to get pregnant, it makes it harder for me to cope with. My poor husband has heard me ask over and over why it is that we aren't able to have more children. I can't get past the feeling that something is wrong with me. I have studied the scriptures and really am trying to stay close to the Lord because I don't know what else to do. As students with lots of debt, I am terrified of taking out additional loans for infertility. I have talked with LDS family services about possibly adopting...but have learned that we would not have a good application until we are out of school, making money, and able to provide insurance and what not. Sometimes I just feel trapped. I haven't gone to my Drs in a long time because there is nothing else a regular Dr can do for me. I have to go to an infertility specialist and pay for everything out of pocket. I share this because I hope you feel that you are not alone. I know that I have a child and realize more than ever what a miracle she is to have that blessing...but I want you to know that what you are feeling and this trial you are going through...that you are not alone. I appreciated so much the recent talk by Sis. Reeves...about not being forgotten by the Lord. She talked about how when her husband was dying, she drew away from the Lord. In the last 2 years, I have had times where I have drawn away from the Lord...not trusting my ability to follow His plan for me and for my family. Not trusting in His ability to help me through this trial. Really it has been the hardest trial for me. I am learning slowly to find comfort in at least knowing that He loves me...that He wants my happiness more than I understand. I started feeling that if He isn't going to make me happy by blessing me with more children...then I can trust that He will make me happy in other ways. I don't say this to persuade you not to desire children...because I honestly don't think I can ever stop thinking or desiring to have more children. If I am not able to have more...it will be something that will always leave me with sadness...but...I know that trusting in His ability to make us happy...is what will give the emotional strength that is needed to get through this trial. I know you are loved Dejah. I know that loan is terrible...that you will have to pay it back...and I think of when we actually have an income...that we will try the same thing...and I know I would have always regretted not at least trying the IVF...so trust in you having made the right decision, regardless of the outcome. On a hopeful side...I have a friend who unsuccessfully did IVF two times, and on the third try...using frozen embryos...is pregnant. That is a huge blessing that you have so many frozen embryos...just hard with the timing limitations between cycles and any other frustration in there. Sorry this was super long. I look forward to you sharing more insights about infertility...it helps me cope...as well as many others.

jeanine said...

I am always amazed at how many friends of mine have struggled with infertility. I hope you continue to share your feelings! I know the Lord is watching over you even though you are going through such a difficult trial!
Elise did a fertility diet for a while before she had her little one. She even started a blog with a few other friends about infertility.

Carrie said...

When I miscarried again in May, I felt like an utter failure. I went through conventional fertility treatments and then embraced all sorts of quackary in order to heal my body to try to stay pregnant. It really destroyed my faith, broke my heart, but luckily, as is not always the case, my marriage remains strong.

For me, it was time to face the tough questions and realize that this is probably IT. My life has been consumed by my infertility by far too long and it is interfering with my ability to enjoy life and unlike you, I do get angry when people get pregnant time after time and constantly complain about the children they do have.

So, after a rather expensive round of specialists, and tests that rendered nothing definitive other that that I was low in vitamin d, I decided to embrace herbalism (because it interests me not because I expect it to cure me) and move on with my life. I am thinking of learning a marketable skill to at least be able to do something aside from sitting at home alone. I am lucky to have my one child and I am grateful but secondary infertility has its own bundle of guilt and pain.

If you haven't found something to do that you are passionate about, go in search of that thing and make it about you and your happiness. I have seen far too many women, including myself, broken by infertility but the ones that I have seen make it through are always the ones who have something else.

Stephanie said...

Oh, Dejah. How I love you and your words. It is so therapeutic to write sometimes, and while the pain still exists, it simply helps to deal with the pain.

Life is hard to understand sometimes and although I cannot relate to anything regarding infertility (& hope to never understand), I know that times of personal pain have lent opportunities to grow closer to the Lord. And those blessings have made all the difference in finding joy and beauty during hard times.

Your thoughts aren't depressing to read. They are real, they are human, they are part of our earthly existence. I love and adore you and hope to continue to hear from you, both the good and the bad.

We hope to see you at Thanksgiving time when we come out to CA. Love you!

Sofia L said...

Hi Dejah

I'm Rachel Holloman's friend from NC. She mentioned your post and I completely understand how you feel. We did IVF to have our first son and we will have to do it again to have more children, we didn't have any embryos left.

One thing that helped me the most was going to the temple once a week. It was hard at first because I was mad/sad/heart broken and I didn't feel worthy but it eventually brought me peace. I figured if Heavenly Father was going to be in control then I had to find peace or I would lose a lot more. It didn't come right away but when it did I was able to let go of the pain/anger/hate and accept God's will and eventually IVF did work for us.

I know how you feel and I agree with your friends it's okay. I hope that things work for you in Jan! There will be prayers from NC coming your way!!

Best of luck!!

Sofia

Jess Edling said...

You have no idea ho much you have touched me with this post. You have taken everything I have felt with my own infertility issues, my anger over all the debt we have incurred trying to have children and being unsuccessful, and you have put it into perfect words. I am so sorry you are having to struggle through this. Please know that you are not alone, and that if you ever want to talk to someone I am always here for you. I will be sending many, many prayers your way that things go well in January, but also that you find peace and comfort as you go through all the day to day stuff.