Thursday, March 21, 2013

Broke

Today I feel broke in every sense. Financially, emotionally, and physically. On Monday, we found out that again, we are not pregnant. Everything I've been doing for the last 8 months didn't matter. This time we did a frozen embryo transfer. Again, everything looked great. Mike was really hopeful, and almost positive that it was going to work. I was a little more skeptical, but still hopeful. I know Heavenly Father could make it happen, but I didn't know if He would.
Between medications acupuncture, fees, and the transfer itself, we went through everything we had saved, and a lot of our credit cards. I'm not sure when we can afford to try this again, which makes it even harder.
When we got the results on Monday, I was actually doing pretty good. I had a feeling that I would just be emotionally better if it failed again, and for the most part, I have been. I think part of me was in shock. I kept thinking my doctor had the wrong results. Today however, I can't hold it together. I really don't know what more we could have done to make this work, and neither does my doctor.
I'm hurt, and I'm angry, and I'm broken.

6 comments:

Stephanie said...

Oh, Dejah. I'm so sorry. Love you to pieces.

Breana and Jordan Holmes said...

i'm not sure what to say so i'll just say, i love you and i'm here for you

Carrie said...

I am so sorry, Dejah. It isn't worthwhile consolation but that sucks. I hope you can find peace despite (yet another) setback and figure out a way to move forward. As silly as it sounds, teaching myself how to knit helped me a lot when we were struggling, and I know learning a new skill has helped a lot of my friends who face these same challenges to not feel like they are standing still, unproductive.

cherise and Tristan said...

My heart goes out to you and Mike. Although my battles with fertility have not been anything close to yours, I have a glimpse into what you are feeling. I am so sorry, you are in my prayers. Cherise Terry

Leanna said...

So sorry Dejah for this great disappointment. It is not easy and it hurts deeply. I remember reading a talk about how we have to learn to overcome in order to become more like the Savior. Overcoming trials and truly hard experiences tests every ounce of our faith and even though I don't know how the Lord will comfort and bless you, I know He will. He loves you. I will pray for you to feel that hope to be able to overcome this hard trial. Just know that you don't have to be strong right now...give yourself time to grieve. It is healthy and totally appropriate to truly grieve your loss.

ABC said...

I posted something on facebook for you.