Friday, August 30, 2013

Some News

I know it will be some time before I post this, but I am writing it on July 15.  Last Tuesday, July 9, Mike and I went to a Foster Care Orientation.  I left feeling kind of annoyed with the process, and completely without the good feeling I had expected.  The next day, I was talking to a friend of mine, and admitted that I just felt so lost.  I really didn't want to become a foster parent after all.  I could not understand the direction my life was going in.  What was I supposed to do with my life?  Why did this not feel right?  
Meanwhile, I had been feeling kind of odd.  Something in my mind kept saying "take a pregnancy test."  Well, I can't tell you how many pregnancy tests I have taken over the last 10 years, so Mike and I were a little skeptical.  Mike told me to wait, but I couldn't.  I happened to have one test, so on Thursday the 11, I tested.  I was busy cleaning up the bathroom counter, and kind of ignored what the test was doing, till I glanced over and saw "pregnant".  What!?  I just kept repeating "oh my goodness", and zombie-walked into the bedroom to wake Mike up.  I was so scared that this was a false positive.  I had never seen a positive pregnancy test in person, and I didn't even know what to do.  So, I set an appointment for the next Wednesday, and, and left a message for our fertility specialist.  They ordered a blood test for me the next morning, and reported that I was "super pregnant"  My HCG was 10,903, which might not mean much to you, unless you have gone through some infertility treatments.  It is a very high number!  Turns out I was almost 6 weeks along already!  My progesterone was lower than they wanted though, so I have been taking some supplements for that, which has brought on the nausea in full force.  I've never been so excited to be sick, though. 

So, I am happy to report that everything has been going well.  At the posting of this, I am almost 13 weeks.  It has been hard to keep this secret, and we have already spilled to so many people around us.  We have had ultrasounds, and heard the baby's heartbeat.  The most amazing things I have ever seen and heard, although I still can't believe this is happening.  I was at the absolute lowest I had ever been in my life, and completely lost.  I had started to believe that pregnancy and parenthood would never be a part of my life.  
I am still probably the most paranoid pregnant woman ever, but I absolutely believe that Heavenly Father was waiting for this moment for us to become parents.  I feel that this is His timing, and everything will be just fine, but if it isn't, I have more faith that what is supposed to happen will.

I should also mention that I also credit this to the 2 week fertility juice cleanse we did in May.  We have known about this cleanse for a long time, and over the years many people in our ward had suggested it to us.  I kind of likened it to Moses and the Brass Serpent.  A juice cleanse was not going to take care of the years of infertility we were dealing with.  Especially when I was very healthy after we started trying to get pregnant.  However, my Relief Society president, and our Bishop both suggested this diet to Mike and I this year, and if 2 people who are ordained to give you direction believe you should try something, how can you not try.  I am very thankful to them for suggesting we do that diet, and for providing the information on it.


Friday, May 10, 2013

Trains!

Last weekend Mike and I headed down to the Holmes' and ventured out to the Orange Empire Railroad Museum. We had a great time exploring the park and riding old trains and trolleys. I totally recommend this to anyone with young kids!

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Broke

Today I feel broke in every sense. Financially, emotionally, and physically. On Monday, we found out that again, we are not pregnant. Everything I've been doing for the last 8 months didn't matter. This time we did a frozen embryo transfer. Again, everything looked great. Mike was really hopeful, and almost positive that it was going to work. I was a little more skeptical, but still hopeful. I know Heavenly Father could make it happen, but I didn't know if He would.
Between medications acupuncture, fees, and the transfer itself, we went through everything we had saved, and a lot of our credit cards. I'm not sure when we can afford to try this again, which makes it even harder.
When we got the results on Monday, I was actually doing pretty good. I had a feeling that I would just be emotionally better if it failed again, and for the most part, I have been. I think part of me was in shock. I kept thinking my doctor had the wrong results. Today however, I can't hold it together. I really don't know what more we could have done to make this work, and neither does my doctor.
I'm hurt, and I'm angry, and I'm broken.

Friday, October 19, 2012

Little Ghost DIY

I get to babysit Kennedy and Harley on Monday, so I thought it would be fun to do a little Halloween craft with them.  I headed over to the 99 cent store for some materials, when a new idea popped into my head.  I happened to notice that the badminton birdies have the exact shape as a ghost, and they're white!  So, here's what you need, to make an adorable self standing little ghost.  The best part, no glue, and no sewing.

I draped 2 layers of cheesecloth on the birdie, and cut off the length I wanted.  Mine ended up being longer in the back, which I actually really like.  Then, I just tied a little ribbon bow around the neck, and hole punched some black vinyl to stick on with eyes.  You really could use anything for the eyes though, or nothing at all.

So, there it is.  Super easy! 

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Some Thoughts

I am so thankful for the kind comments on my last post.  It is nice to know that I have the support of so many people, but I hate to think of others having to go through this as well. 
I thought maybe I should clarify some things.  I mentioned in the last post, that Mike and I had been doing treatments for the last couple of years.  We have been trying to get pregnant though, for almost 10 years.  I also mentioned that I am happy when people get pregnant.  When it comes to family and friends, I usually am happy.  This has not always been the case though.  I know family members have seen me have breakdowns when I hear that others are pregnant.  One time I went to a baby shower, and cried the entire hour and a half drive home.  I think I'm just getting better at accepting that people will have babies, even if I can't.  The human race can't stop, just because I can't have children.  
I still get hurt when some people announce pregnancies, but only if the pregnant person is mad about being pregnant, or if they get pregnant from clearly wrong choices.  It's hard not to think that I should be rewarded for doing what's right, and not them for doing what's wrong.
I have to say too, that I have been very blessed to have the friends and family that I have.  When my youngest nephew was born, my brother was sick, and I got to stay over night in the hospital with my sister and my nephew.  I got to experience the lack of sleep, and the middle of the night diaper changes.  I got to spend the night at another sister's house the first few days of another nephew's life.  I was there as they adjusted to parenthood, and I was able to help a little.  I was in the hospital when a friend of mine gave birth, and although I was feeling very sick from cramps, I got to witness that amazing event.  I went to an ultrasound appointment with my sister, and got to see one of my beautiful nieces just days before she was born.  I keep thinking to myself, that if I never get to experience pregnancy myself, at least I have been able to experience these moments.  I am thankful for friends and family that let me hold and babysit their babies.  I'm thankful that they include me in their lives.  I feel a special bond with my nieces and nephews.  It melts my heart when they tell me that they love me, or give me hugs and kisses, and it gives me a glimpse into motherhood.
One last thought before I go.  I felt a lot of hope from listening to conference, and I think that is what I will blog about next. (I need to listen to it again though, because I played with my nieces during most of it.)  I did get a strong feeling though, that with all the healing I am doing for my body, that I need to heal my soul.  I need to become closer to Heavenly Father, and have a stronger desire to follow His will.     






Thursday, October 4, 2012

Venting

I cannot believe it's been almost a year since my last post!  I started feeling like all I was posting about was what was going on in the lives of those around me.  And while things have been going on in our life, it wasn't anything that I wanted to blog about.  Don't feel obligated to read all of this.  Really, it is a lot of venting and complaining, because I have been hurt emotionally, and I haven't learned how to recover from it. 
So, I have been thinking for awhile that I should post about infertility more.  After all, it is pretty much what occupies my thoughts all day.
I kept hoping that I would be able to write a post soon, that said "here's all the things we've had to do, but it was worth it, because we're pregnant now!'  Unfortunately, that's still not the case.  So, bear with me, this post will be long, and probably not cohesive.  I just feel the need to get all of these thoughts down.
Mike and I have been actively doing infertility treatments for 2 years now.  In that time, we have done 3 IUI's, and 1 IVF.  I have been on numerous medications, had 1 tiny surgery, tons of ultrasounds, doctor's visits, blood tests, and no pregnancies.  
Almost a year ago, we started preparing for our IVF.  On paper, I looked like a perfect candidate.  I took lots of medications, which included a daily shot in my stomach.  I hate needles, but eventually I looked forward to doing the shot each day.  It was exciting.  We were on the path to having a baby, and we were going to do whatever was necessary.  Our egg retrieval went perfect, I think we had something like 22 eggs, 17 fertilized 13 or so made it.  I don't know why I didn't record all the numbers.  We implanted 2 perfect embryos, and froze 7 I think.
I felt 100% sure that I was going to have a baby from this.  I pictured myself having twins.  Everything was going right, and I had such a strong feeling it was all going to work.
Well, it didn't.  It still breaks my heart thinking about it.  IVF is very expensive, and our insurance doesn't pay for it.  We took out a loan to pay for it, and we will be paying that off for a long time.  That's one thing that really hurts from this.  We pay more than our car payment every month, to pay for a procedure that didn't even work.
After this, we did a biopsy on my uterus, to see if there was anything they could find.  They did find something, which indicated I could have endometriosis.  So, the next step was a laparoscopy, to make sure.  Thankfully insurance did cover that!  My doctor discovered that I did have a small amount of endometriosis, and thought that we should do 3 months of a drug called Leupron, 1 injection a month for 3 months, and then we could try a frozen embryo transfer.  FET.
Well, of course we had problems with this too.  I got my first shot, but didn't get the next one in time, so then I got a 3 month dosage all in 1 shot.  That happened last month, and nothing will happen till January.  In the meantime, I am trying acupuncture.  I go in once a week for that.  I drink some disgusting tea every day.  I have cut out sweets, dairy, any drinks that aren't room temperature, and certain other foods.  I hate doing all of these things, and I don't completely feel that any of this will work.  I don't think I could be more sure than I was last year, and that was a failure.   
I'm sorry that this has been a big pity party!  I'm not going to lie, I feel sorry for myself a lot.  I don't understand why Mike and I have had to go through this.     
A couple of weeks ago, as I got ready for church, I was watching Emma Smith: My Story.  I had forgotten just how hard having children was for her and Joseph.  They lost so many children as infants.  Then I started thinking, that I'm not any better than them.  I go through phases of anger, hurt, sadness, etc...but why shouldn't I have these trials?  I think if I could understand the why, and know that it is going to happen for us someday, I would be ok.
I never want anyone to think I'm not happy when they get pregnant.  I'm happy for all of my friends and family when they have children, I just want to be having them too.  I know I need to let go of the jealousy, but I still have so much to work through.  There's so much more I could say, but this is too long already, so don't be surprised if I pop up with a depressing thought every once in a while.  Until then, I will try to post more of the positive things that have happened in our lives.  

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Hawaii

Arriving in Hawaii.


View from our room.

Day 2 driving towards the North Shore and La'ie.

Dole Whip

Canoe ride

Day 3 Beautiful Chapel.

Somewhere along the North Shore.

Hawaii Temple

Mike and I at the Temple.

Beautiful Flower at the Temple.

Somewhere between the North Shore and La'ie.

Sunset

Last year Mike and I were driving around listening to the radio, when I heard that a local station was giving away trips to Hawaii to promote the new Hawaii 5-0. I jokingly told Mike we should call in, and the next day, we did. I won the very last trip they were giving away, which consisted of a 4 day 3 night stay in Waikiki, and airfare to Oahu, plus some spending money. We finally used our trip on September 2.

We arrived in Hawaii Friday afternoon, went to the beach, and then to eat. On Saturday, we woke up early, and headed out to do some shopping. I brought 3 pairs of shoes with me, and managed to break 2 of them on the first day, so shopping was a must. Plus, we had to get some souvenirs.

After that we drove up to the Dole plantation, to do a maze, and get some Dole whip. Honestly, there wasn't much to do there, and I wouldn't recommend it. We spent the rest of the day at the Polynesian Cultural Center. I wish we had more time there. It was beautiful and entertaining! We went to some demonstrations, took a canoe ride, and watched their show.

On Sunday, we went to the local ward, but completely missed sacrament. Even with a GPS, we drove right past the ward building. I have never seen a church like that! It was so beautiful and unique. After church, we drove back up to La'ie, but this time to visit the Temple. Hawaii has the most beautiful temple grounds. We made a quick stop at BYU, just so we could see it, then headed back to the beach. Since it was Sunday, we didn't get to swim, but we took lots of pictures, and sat and relaxed till it became to dark to see.

Monday we only had a few hours to spend till we had to leave, so we swam at Waikiki. I couldn't get over the beauty of Hawaii, especially the color of the water. The whole trip was so quick, but we were thankful for it. I don't think Mike and I would have ever spent the money to do this, so we are grateful for the chance we had.